The year two-thousand and twenty four of our Lord started on a rough note, with pain, regret and unhealed grief. But it was fun to navigate the darkness.
I have not done this alone - I never trust "self-made" people, they hide something. It took me some effort to accept that I needed help to get better and moreso to ask for that help. But Baby, did my life turn for the better when I did. I am happy to say I have turned into my best version so far, and proud to tell myself and everyone that this is only the beginning.
There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to feel, an endless stream of possibilities before my very eyes. So much so that it hurts to try and consider it all.
But you cannot consider it all. That is half of the point - there is way too much.
But that is not necessarily a bad thing, is it? Would you be able to take it if you could consider it all?
The year two-thousand and twenty four of our Lord has been an intense parade of contrasts, beauty and also horror, cold and warmth, ridiculous highs and some considerable lows too. I clenched my teeth and basked in the sunlight, ran from myself and also taken myself head-on many times. I have faced my own contradictions as well, and sometimes I won. And sometimes I lost miserably. And all those times I learnt something about both them and myself.
Does it still count as a victory if you lose but get something more important in exchange? Does it matter? Or is this just me facing the ambiguities in the way I express my relationship with the world around me?
And if it is, why not have some fun and picture what this year has been this way?
The year two-thousand and twenty four of our Lord started with me learning to be comfortable around someone, who left shortly after. I was thankful when that happened - not about her leaving, of course, but all the experiences we shared. That encounter healed a part of me in a way only a few people know.
The next months were dark. Local winter is ruthless on our little monkey brains. During those, I found myself balancing depression, Impostor Syndrome (in capital letters out of respect) and, interestingly enough, Peace and Quiet. And a beam of sunlight every now and then.
You really do not know what the dark takes away from you until you live it. So... Grossly incandescent.
I have been surrounded by great people, but some of them surprised me in very bitter ways. An old and very close friend phoned me and cut me off her life on a random Saturday. The same day, another close friend discovered me my current favorite café in town.
I found a friend's friend I was into and asked her out. It was an immense amount of fun, then she said there would definitely be a second date and proceeded to never call me again.
I took on this problem that got me stuck for weeks on end, hoping for a strike of inspiration that would help me get through it. It never came. Instead, an absolutely unremarkable day I sat down as I always do, scribbled some identities, looked into my own research and ended up solving it.
Stuck for weeks, pulled myself out by just showing up and doing my thing. Talk about inspiration.
I have spent this year surrounded by a lot of amazing students. Together with the IC, we ran two rookie periods and helped hundreds of students find their way across this beautiful country. Built bridges and bonds, created immense opportunities and formed friendships along the way. I also left the IC by the end of it.
I have been lied to. One of my dullest nights turned into a blast when we went out as a group and there was this single (her words) girl, whose boyfriend I only learnt about when another friend slipped up at four in the morning. Then the night was no longer a blast. But then the walk home, getting my mind clearer, the Sun rising... I slept wonderfully that night.
On these last few months, I have been so stressed I dislocated my jawbone, but I have also been so in peace I managed to get off sleeping aids for a good while. I sleep with teeth protectors to not grinding them to dust, and forgot them on my way to vacation - the two weeks since I did I have gotten the best sleep so far this year.
I had this good and very close friend whose birthday was coming. We had been vibing in a very sweet way the past few months, I enjoyed and valued this friendship. The whole birthday evening had this strange, tense energy, but it was genuinely fun. Alas, I was so uncomfortable I started to doubt my own intentions.
(For the record, that was a mistake: if you know your intentions, question them, but do not doubt them).
We made another plan, some days later, the circumstances around which are the reason I have just said that I "HAD" this good and very close friend.
(ADVISORY BREAK: This is not a rant, I am just using the theme of "heavy contradiction wherever you look" to go around the year two-thousand and twenty four of our Lord).
I have also been phoned randomly on the loneliest days of summer, taken out and had incredible days out of the blue. Came across my best local friend twice... the two exact times he came to town without a plan or notice. We fed those pesky seagulls and laughed endlessly in the middle of my loneliest days.
"And what about work?" - This post is not about work. It was, overall, pretty good, though. I like it.
I reconnected with two very good friends who live far away and lost my Grandpa on the same weekend. He was a good man, his memory lives on.
I have dedicated myself to less things and enjoyed them much more. Dropping some hobbies gave me that mental space back that I can allocate into the rest instead of worrying about not engaging enough with all of them. That little idea really took me far: drop the weight and run.
My take from this huge roller-coaster of a year is: I have regained my curiosity. I am endlessly excited about the future, whatever happens I find myself thinking how I will handle it and getting ready in the best way possible, not only to survive it, but to enjoy it. Many people I have talked to refer to this as "childish", but let my answer be the closing to this page.
My curiosity is not only child-like - children know by instinct things we adults deny for comfort.
It is also ancient. It is primal, it is wild; it is battle-worn and deeply scarred - it hurts sometimes. I have been to Hell and back and it came and went on my shoulder. And it is alive and kicking.
I am alive, ladies and gentlemen.
